recorded by Chris Dombrosky, junior roadside attractions correspondent
We sat down for an interview with Beaumont’s own “Happy Half-Wit.” Here’s what he had to say.
Studio Ink: Thanks for taking time to speak with Studio Ink.
Happy Half Wit: Is it okay if I smoke?
SI: Go right ahead.
HHW: That’s just a little muffler humor. I’m actually straight edge these days. When you wake up with no memory of how you got onto property owned by a cockfight promoter, you get real particular about what poisons you put in your body.
SI: Let’s start at the beginning. Where were you born?
HHW: Venice, California. It was the sixties. I guess you could say my dad ran a yacht company that pivoted to advertising, International Fiberglass. What’s that saying? I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could.
SI: Does it bother you to be officially known as the Happy Half-Wit?
HHW: Aristotle said wit is only educated insolence. It’s just a name. Maybe I’m not really a half-wit. Could be I’m not always happy, either. Want to hear a secret? Sometimes the smile is forced. But my birth name is Mortimer Snerd, so Happy Half-Wit is pretty much a lateral move. Most folks just call me the Muffler Man.
SI: Oh yeah, why the muffler?
HHW: Why- I can’t- mufflers are the voicebox of your exhaust system. They harmonically tune burning-hot gas being vomited out of engines at high rates of speed. That’s a gee-dee miracle! Can you imagine a world without mufflers? I wouldn’t want to live in that cacophonous hellscape.
SI: Right. But why are you holding one?
HHW: I dunno, Paul Bunyan has a blue ox. I’ve got a muffler.
SI: Are you worried that the trend towards electric vehicles with no exhaust will one day render you an anachronism?
HHW: Homeboy, I wear a boater hat. You think I’m afraid of anachronism?
SI: Is it true that you’re the kaiju protector of Beaumont? That you turned away Hurricane Laura with your bear hands and put out the TPC fire with one blow from your mighty muffler?
HHW: I’m not a hero. If I wanted glory I would have played hoops professionally. I get to face East and watch the sunrise over Beaumont every morning. That’s reward enough for me.
SI: According to the Beaumont Convention and Visitors Bureau, you stand 25 feet tall. Is that right?
HHW: That’s what they say. I guess that technically makes me the biggest piece of pop art in Southeast Texas, one foot over the dalmatian hydrant. But look, it’s not a competition. Humility is step number seven.
SI: What about Big Beau, Gator Country’s wooden alligator on I-10? It’s 30 feet tall.
HHW: Did my ex-wife put you up to this? Big Beau is great, but it’s got a door. You can go inside. Seems more like a building than art.
SI: Well, it is in the shape of a gator…
HHW: Architecture. Next question.
SI: Has anyone ever mentioned that you bear a resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman?
HHW: This interview is over.